Introduction

“Come As You Are” is a groundbreaking book on female sexuality written by Dr. Emily Nagoski, a leading sex educator and researcher. Published in 2015, this book aims to revolutionize the way we understand and approach women’s sexual wellbeing. Dr. Nagoski combines scientific research, personal anecdotes, and practical advice to create a comprehensive guide that empowers women to embrace their sexuality and overcome common challenges.

Summary of Key Points

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

  • Introduces the concept of sexual “accelerators” and “brakes”
  • Accelerator: responds to sexually relevant stimuli in the environment
  • Brake: notices potential threats and inhibits sexual response
  • Everyone has both systems, but they vary in sensitivity
  • Understanding your own accelerator and brake is crucial for sexual wellbeing

The Science of Arousal

  • Distinguishes between arousal and desire
  • Explains arousal nonconcordance: when physical arousal doesn’t match subjective arousal
  • Discusses the concept of responsive desire vs. spontaneous desire
  • Emphasizes that there’s no “normal” when it comes to arousal patterns

Emotional Processing and Sexual Response

  • Introduces the emotion processing cycle:
    1. Stimulus
    2. Interpretation
    3. Response
    4. Perception of response
  • Explains how this cycle influences sexual experiences
  • Discusses the impact of stress, anxiety, and past experiences on sexual response

Context and Sexual Wellbeing

  • Emphasizes the importance of context in sexual experiences
  • Introduces the concept of sexual accelerators and sexual brakes in context
  • Discusses how cultural messages and personal beliefs shape sexual context

Body Image and Sexual Satisfaction

  • Explores the relationship between body image and sexual wellbeing
  • Introduces the concept of spectatoring: self-conscious monitoring during sexual activity
  • Provides strategies for improving body image and reducing spectatoring

Trauma and Sexual Healing

  • Discusses the impact of trauma on sexual wellbeing
  • Provides strategies for healing and reclaiming sexuality after trauma
  • Emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in the healing process

Relationships and Sexual Satisfaction

  • Explores the role of attachment styles in sexual relationships
  • Discusses strategies for improving communication about sex
  • Emphasizes the importance of emotional intimacy in sexual satisfaction

Orgasm and Pleasure

  • Debunks common myths about female orgasm
  • Explains the physiological process of orgasm
  • Provides strategies for enhancing pleasure and orgasm

Key Takeaways

  • Every body is different: There’s no “normal” when it comes to sexuality. Each person’s sexual response is unique and valid.
  • Context matters: Sexual desire and arousal are heavily influenced by the context in which they occur.
  • Arousal ≠ Desire: Physical arousal doesn’t always match subjective feelings of desire, and that’s okay.
  • Stress is a major brake: Chronic stress can significantly impact sexual wellbeing. Managing stress is crucial for a satisfying sex life.
  • Body image affects sexuality: Improving body image can lead to better sexual experiences.
  • Mindfulness enhances sex: Being present in the moment can significantly improve sexual satisfaction.
  • Communication is key: Open, honest communication with partners is essential for sexual satisfaction.
  • Trauma can be healed: With patience, self-compassion, and possibly professional help, it’s possible to reclaim a satisfying sex life after trauma.
  • Pleasure is the measure: Focus on pleasure and satisfaction rather than arbitrary “performance” metrics.
  • Self-knowledge is power: Understanding your own body, desires, and responses is the foundation of sexual wellbeing.

Critical Analysis

Strengths

  1. Scientific Grounding: Nagoski’s work is firmly rooted in scientific research, providing credibility to her assertions and advice.

  2. Inclusivity: The book is refreshingly inclusive, acknowledging diverse sexualities, gender identities, and relationship structures.

  3. Practical Application: Nagoski doesn’t just present theory; she provides concrete strategies and exercises for readers to apply the concepts in their own lives.

  4. Destigmatizing: The book works hard to normalize a wide range of sexual experiences and responses, potentially reducing shame and anxiety for many readers.

  5. Accessible Language: Despite dealing with complex scientific concepts, Nagoski’s writing is clear, engaging, and often humorous, making the material accessible to a wide audience.

Weaknesses

  1. Overwhelming Information: The sheer amount of information presented can be overwhelming for some readers, potentially making it difficult to know where to start applying the concepts.

  2. Limited Focus: While the book is inclusive in many ways, it primarily focuses on cisgender women’s experiences, which may limit its relevance for some readers.

  3. Cultural Bias: The book is written from a Western, primarily American perspective, which may not fully resonate with readers from different cultural backgrounds.

Contribution to the Field

“Come As You Are” has made a significant contribution to the field of sex education and therapy. It has:

  1. Popularized the dual control model of sexual response, providing a new framework for understanding sexual difficulties.

  2. Challenged long-held misconceptions about female sexuality, particularly around desire and arousal.

  3. Emphasized the importance of context in sexual experiences, shifting focus from purely physiological explanations.

  4. Provided a sex-positive, shame-free approach to discussing and understanding sexuality.

Controversies and Debates

While generally well-received, the book has sparked some debates:

  1. Some critics argue that the book’s focus on cisgender women’s experiences is too narrow.

  2. The emphasis on mindfulness and stress reduction as solutions to sexual problems has been critiqued by some as oversimplifying complex issues.

  3. The book’s assertion that all bodies are “normal” has been both praised for its inclusivity and criticized for potentially minimizing real physiological issues.

Conclusion

“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski is a groundbreaking work that offers a fresh, science-based perspective on female sexuality. By combining cutting-edge research with practical advice and a compassionate approach, Nagoski has created a resource that is both intellectually stimulating and immediately applicable to readers’ lives.

The book’s greatest strength lies in its potential to liberate readers from harmful myths and expectations about sexuality. By emphasizing the diversity of normal sexual responses and the crucial role of context, Nagoski empowers readers to embrace their unique sexuality and pursue genuine sexual wellbeing.

While the book may be overwhelming for some and has its limitations in scope, its overall impact on the field of sex education and on individual readers’ lives is undoubtedly positive. “Come As You Are” is not just a book about sex; it’s a book about self-acceptance, stress management, and the power of understanding our own bodies and minds.

For anyone looking to deepen their understanding of sexuality, improve their sexual relationships, or simply feel more comfortable in their own skin, “Come As You Are” is an invaluable resource. It challenges readers to question their assumptions, embrace their uniqueness, and approach their sexuality with curiosity, compassion, and joy.

You can purchase “Come As You Are” on Amazon. I earn a small commission from purchases using this link.