Introduction

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy is a groundbreaking book written by Jessica Fern, a psychotherapist and relationship specialist. Published in 2020, this work explores the intersection of attachment theory, trauma, and consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). Fern’s book fills a crucial gap in the literature on polyamory and other forms of CNM by addressing the psychological underpinnings of secure attachments in nontraditional relationship structures.

Summary of Key Points

Understanding Attachment Theory

  • Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early childhood experiences shape our ability to form and maintain close relationships throughout life.
  • The four main attachment styles are:
    1. Secure: comfortable with intimacy and independence
    2. Anxious: fear of abandonment, seeking constant reassurance
    3. Avoidant: discomfort with closeness, valuing independence over intimacy
    4. Disorganized: conflicting desires for closeness and distance, often stemming from trauma
  • Attachment styles are not fixed and can be modified through conscious effort and healing experiences.

Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

  • Fern emphasizes the prevalence of trauma and its profound effects on attachment and relationship dynamics.
  • Complex trauma, resulting from prolonged exposure to distressing events, can significantly impact one’s ability to form secure attachments.
  • Trauma can manifest in relationships as:
    • Hypervigilance and mistrust
    • Difficulty with emotional regulation
    • Challenges in setting and respecting boundaries
    • Tendencies towards codependency or extreme independence

Consensual Nonmonogamy and Attachment

  • CNM relationships present unique challenges and opportunities for attachment dynamics.
  • Common forms of CNM discussed in the book include:
    • Polyamory
    • Open relationships
    • Swinging
    • Relationship anarchy
  • Fern argues that CNM can provide opportunities for healing and growth, but also may activate attachment wounds if not approached mindfully.

The HEARTS Framework

Fern introduces the HEARTS framework as a guide for cultivating secure attachments in CNM relationships:

  1. Here: Being present and attuned to partners
  2. Expressed delight: Showing genuine joy and appreciation
  3. Attunement: Understanding and responding to partners’ emotional needs
  4. Reliability: Being consistent and trustworthy
  5. Trust in vulnerability: Creating safe spaces for emotional openness
  6. Soothing: Offering comfort and support during times of distress
  • Fern addresses common issues in CNM relationships, such as:
    • Jealousy and compersion
    • New relationship energy (NRE) and its impact on existing partnerships
    • Balancing time and energy among multiple partners
    • Navigating different attachment styles within a polycule

Healing and Growth in CNM Contexts

  • The book emphasizes the potential for personal growth and healing through CNM relationships.
  • Fern provides strategies for:
    • Developing self-awareness and emotional intelligence
    • Practicing effective communication skills
    • Cultivating compersion (joy in a partner’s other relationships)
    • Building resilience and adaptability

Key Takeaways

  1. Attachment styles significantly influence relationship dynamics, regardless of relationship structure. Understanding one’s own attachment style and those of partners is crucial for building secure connections.

  2. Trauma-informed approaches are essential in addressing relationship challenges, particularly in CNM contexts where multiple attachments may trigger past wounds.

  3. The HEARTS framework provides a practical guide for fostering secure attachments in CNM relationships, emphasizing presence, emotional attunement, and reliability.

  4. CNM relationships can offer unique opportunities for personal growth and healing, but require intentional effort and self-awareness to navigate successfully.

  5. Jealousy is a normal emotion that can be managed through self-reflection, communication, and the cultivation of compersion.

  6. Effective communication is paramount in CNM relationships, including the ability to express needs, set boundaries, and navigate complex emotional landscapes.

  7. Balancing autonomy and interdependence is a key challenge in CNM relationships, requiring ongoing negotiation and respect for individual and collective needs.

  8. New relationship energy (NRE) can be both exciting and destabilizing, necessitating mindful management to maintain existing relationships.

  9. Self-care and individual healing work are crucial components of building and maintaining healthy CNM relationships.

  10. Relationship skills are learnable, and with dedication and practice, individuals can move towards more secure attachment styles and healthier relationship dynamics.

Critical Analysis

Strengths

  1. Integration of Attachment Theory and CNM: Fern’s work is groundbreaking in its application of attachment theory to consensual nonmonogamy. This integration provides a much-needed psychological framework for understanding and addressing the unique challenges of CNM relationships.

  2. Trauma-Informed Approach: The book’s emphasis on trauma and its impacts on relationships fills a significant gap in both CNM and mainstream relationship literature. This perspective offers valuable insights for individuals and therapists alike.

  3. Practical Framework: The HEARTS model provides a concrete, actionable framework for building secure attachments. This practical approach makes the book’s concepts accessible and applicable to readers’ lives.

  4. Inclusivity: Fern’s work is inclusive of various relationship structures and sexual orientations, making it relevant to a diverse audience.

  5. Balance of Theory and Practice: The book successfully combines theoretical concepts with practical advice and exercises, making it both informative and useful.

Weaknesses

  1. Complexity: The integration of attachment theory, trauma, and CNM may be overwhelming for some readers, particularly those new to these concepts.

  2. Limited Long-Term Research: As CNM is a relatively new field of study, the book relies on limited long-term research. More longitudinal studies would strengthen some of the book’s claims.

  3. Cultural Considerations: While the book attempts to be inclusive, it may not fully address the unique challenges faced by individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds in practicing CNM.

Contribution to the Field

Polysecure makes a significant contribution to both the fields of CNM and attachment-focused therapy. By bridging these areas, Fern has created a valuable resource for individuals in CNM relationships and for therapists working with CNM clients. The book has sparked important conversations about the role of attachment and trauma in nontraditional relationship structures.

Controversies and Debates

  1. Pathologizing Monogamy: Some critics argue that the book may unintentionally pathologize monogamy by suggesting that CNM offers unique opportunities for growth and healing.

  2. Applicability of Attachment Theory: There is ongoing debate in the psychological community about the universal applicability of attachment theory across cultures and relationship structures.

  3. Ethical Considerations: The book raises questions about the ethics of engaging in CNM relationships as a means of healing attachment wounds, potentially putting partners in the role of therapists.

Conclusion

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern is a landmark work that offers a fresh perspective on consensual nonmonogamy through the lenses of attachment theory and trauma-informed care. The book provides valuable insights and practical tools for individuals navigating CNM relationships, as well as for therapists working with CNM clients.

Fern’s integration of psychological theory with the realities of nontraditional relationships fills a crucial gap in the literature. The HEARTS framework offers a concrete approach to building secure attachments, while the book’s emphasis on trauma and healing provides a depth often missing from other works on CNM.

While the book may be challenging for some readers due to its complexity, and more long-term research would strengthen its claims, Polysecure remains an essential resource for anyone interested in the intersection of attachment, trauma, and consensual nonmonogamy. It challenges readers to examine their own attachment styles and relationship patterns, offering a path towards more secure and fulfilling connections, regardless of relationship structure.

For individuals practicing or considering CNM, therapists working with CNM clients, or anyone interested in deepening their understanding of attachment in relationships, Polysecure offers invaluable insights and tools for personal and relational growth.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy is available for purchase on Amazon. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases made through this link.